Pursuing Home

Last night, when the baby woke me up to nurse, my mind kept leaping to random things I knew I wanted to pack, but didn't know where they were, or how they would fit.  I tried repeatedly to tell myself to forget about it for the night; to relax and enjoy this quiet time with my baby at the end of such a frantic day.  I'd calm down, then suddenly something else would come to mind.  This hectic pattern kept repeating until the sated baby was soundly sleeping and her exhausted mother was wide awake worrying about things that really didn't matter at that moment.

Today was another long day of sorting, lifting, packing, and generally being overwhelmed.  The trailer we're hauling is 60% to 70% full now, and the house is 20% to 30% packed.  We have a long way to go.  I'm beginning to accept that we're going to get rid of a lot of stuff.  It's inevitable.  There's no way to ignore that fact now.  I'm almost tired enough of sorting and packing to embrace it.  Almost.

The baby is teething right now too.  I'm not sure what made me think a cross county move with a teething baby and a car load of animals was a good idea.  I must have lost my mind.  Poor baby was so tired by all the activity and the effort of pushing teeth through her gums that by the end of the day she dissolved into a frantic puddle of screaming baby.  This was about the time that her father and I were trying to load all the big odds and ends on to the trailer so that we could lock it for the night.  She sat there in her walker and wailed, watching us, while we struggled furniture up the ramp and called soothing things to her.  It took 1 boob, 4 ounces of pumped milk, 6 lullabies, and 2 parents to calm her enough for sleep.

Tomorrow is the start of my last week at work.  We hope to leave shortly after my last day.  The week looks busy.  There are doctors appointments to attend, vet records to pick up.  I have to return my borrowed breast pump to the WIC office.  I have to work for 3 different clients.  All this on top of getting packed up and ready to leave.

I'm breathing deeply and imagining our new home.  We have a basement and there are seasons and grass.  I imaging my little girl growing up in a place with lots of friends and a good school.  I see the dogs playing in the yard and the cats relaxing in a sunny window.  I imagine me and my boyfriend having a beer on the front porch watching the sunset.

I know we can do this.

I always intended to leave my home town.  I've been here my whole life and it's never been a place I really felt at home.  I never wanted to raise a family here.

At 30 years old, with a six month old, 3 dogs, 4 cats and a charming fiance, I was beginning to think it was time to accept the fact that, like it or not, I was putting down roots here.

Then my fiance came home from work early one Monday about a month ago.  He'd been laid off.  Bad news.  Horrible, really.  I work part time as a home health aide, but 20 hours a week at just over minimum wage wasn't going to touch our rent, much less our other bills.  I was scared.  Even with unemployment, it was going to be rough.  We spent a week thinking and discussing our options.  I picked up a few extra hours here and there to try and help.

It was rough.  I missed my baby a lot.  I was worried about our survival, but in the back of my mind I kept thinking that this could be our chance to leave here.  The more I thought about it, the more it seemed like the thing to do.  I went to my fiance and told him that if he got another job here we'd get comfortable.  We'd have another kid, our daughter would start school and we'd find a bigger house, but it would still be here.  I told him I wanted to leave.

He agreed.

We settled on Decatur Illinois pretty easily.  He has some extended family there and we'd be a lot closer to his immediate family to the north.  Looking up rentals online, we found that they were beyond affordable.

Once we made the decision I felt free.

We're leaving!  Here we go!!!

We used our tax returns and bought a 6x12 trailer.  We're going to load up all our possessions, our daughter, and our dogs and cats and move to Illinois.  In about 2 weeks....

I've already started purging my unnecessary encumbrances.  I have a lot of stuff, and it's time to start fresh.